What's Really Happening Deep Below the Dominant Leader

Me, diving down to the shipwreck

A few months ago, I dove 105 feet underwater, descending toward a shipwreck in Roatan, Honduras.

The deeper I went, the calmer I felt. My breathing slowed, and then, that profound silence.

I realized something about depth: Whether it’s the ocean or the human psyche, most of us instinctively avoid going too deep. It’s not wrong, it’s just more comfortable to stay where we can see clearly, where the pressure is manageable, where we feel in control.

But some truths can only be found in the depths. And today, I want to take you on a different kind of dive, one that explores what’s happening beneath the surface of dominant leadership. Because what you see on the surface, the control, the intensity, the unyielding drive, that’s not the whole story.

That’s part of the protective gear.

The Emperor Actually Has No Clothes

Truth is, whether you ARE the dominant leader or you WORK with one: that person who intimidates you? Who micromanages everything? Who fills every room with their presence? Who seems impervious to criticism and impossibly self-assured?

They can be quite insecure.

I know this because I’ve been that person. I’ve coached dozens of leaders who embody this pattern. And I’ve also sat across from them when the armor finally cracked.

On the surface, you experience someone who is in charge, who can dominate and resist input. Someone impossibly impatient, whose mere presence changes the room. Someone exhausting to be around.

But the truth is, below the surface, something entirely different is happening.

They’re operating from a core fear that if they let go of control, they’ll lose their relevance. Their worth. Their identity.

Somewhere along the way, they learned that their value comes from being needed. From being indispensable. From being the one who handles it all. And vulnerability? For them, vulnerability can equal death, not literal death, but the death of who they think they are.

So they built an armor. A thick, protective facade.

And here’s the irony: The armor that once protected them becomes their prison.

Three things that feed their fears

Dive deeper with me.

Fear #1: “If I’m not needed, I’m not valuable.”

They’ve constructed their entire identity around being the person who solves, handles, and carries it all. If they delegate successfully, if their team thrives without them, if things run smoothly when they’re gone... then what?

Who are they if they’re not indispensable?

Fear #2: “If I show vulnerability, it’ll hurt me.”

Early on, they learned that letting their guard down leads to pain. Maybe they were the protectors in their family. Maybe they watched chaos and realized control equals safety.

Maybe someone hurt them when they were open, and they decided: Never again.

So they deny their limits, intellectualize their emotions, and reject others before they can be rejected.

Fear #3: “Being loved means being weak”

Here’s what they don’t say out loud: Beneath that driven, no-nonsense exterior is a kind heart. A person desperate to be loved, not just respected. Someone exhausted from carrying the weight alone who wants to be seen, not just needed.

But they’ve buried it so deep, they’ve almost forgotten it exists.

Down 105 by the shipwreck

For Those Working With Them: What You Need to Know

That intimidating presence? That resistance to your ideas? That need to control?

It’s not about you.

It’s about their fear that without control, they become irrelevant. They’ve tied their entire identity to being “the strong one,” so losing control feels like losing who they are.

This doesn’t excuse bad behavior. But it explains it. And when you understand what’s really driving it, you can respond differently.

They’re not trying to diminish you. They’re trying to protect themselves from the vulnerability of trusting anyone else with anything that matters.

For the Dominant Leaders Reading This: Your Invitation

I know you carry everything because you don’t believe anyone else can do it right. I know you’ve built walls so high that even you can’t remember what you’re protecting anymore.

Keep that up, and you’ll exhaust yourself.

And here’s what I learned from going through this personal dive myself: The only way through is down. You have to dive deeper. You have to face what you’ve been avoiding.

And you have to ask yourself the question you’ve been running from: Is all this true?

Is vulnerability really that dangerous? Or have you been believing a lie for so long that you forgot to question it? What if the thing you’re protecting yourself from is actually what you need most? What if letting go doesn’t mean losing yourself, but finding yourself? What if that tender heart you’ve buried isn’t your weakness, it’s actually your strength?

I’ve seen the transformation happen. Leaders who finally put down the armor discovered they didn’t disappear; they expanded. They became more effective, respected, and influential because they had the courage to be seen.

The work ahead isn’t about becoming someone different. It’s about letting the person underneath come through more often.

That person is even more powerful.

Roberto Giannicola

P.S. When you’re ready to go deeper:

1. Start with awareness → Take the self-assessment to see where you land on the “brilliant but difficult” scale

2. Get the research → Download “From Control to Connection“, 3 years of data on what transforms controlling leaders

3. Work with me directly → Book a consultation to explore how your patterns affect you

In my last newsletter, I asked if you’re the leader everyone fears.

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